Today feels like Day 1 for me. Again. I wonder how many times in life this happens. Layers and layers.
“Oh—wait, that’s right. I was stripped and unraveled and then I picked the layers back up and hid myself inside the same things all over again. Wasted, you’ve wasted another year, Amber.”
Shame. That’s shame talking.
I’m reading this book. It’s called “The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed To Be and Embrace Who You Are.” It’s written by a shame researcher. She interviews people who live wholehearted, authentic lives, then she interviews people who are tripped up on shame, identity issues, and disconnection, and then she categorizes it all together in little lists with descriptions of what works and what doesn’t, all nice and organized-like. When she describes joyful, authentic people, she mentions vulnerability, an identity that is not led around by the nose by shame, and love, always love. Everything I’ve read so far about her descriptions of authentic living I’ve concurred with—“Yes, that’s what it’s like; it’s like that.” Except there’s this one thing that I would like to add to that. I know this is not a spiritual book. It’s just a handy self-help book. But I can’t help looking at it through the lens of my own experience.
What I’ve read so far is on the right track, surely, but gosh, with God, this can actually happen overnight. Do you understand what I’m saying here? (Please note that I am 85% talking to myself at this point. Remember, Amber? Remember this? Believe it again. Let go of these layers.) If you believe that God is who He says He is, and consequently you are who He says you are, if you allow yourself to be stripped down to the vulnerable soul (who you really are, the precious part), beneath the layers of pride and shame and sin, and you make the exchange, the shame is gone. Bam. Gone. Free. In an instant. Believe. All those layers of shame, pride, selfishness, unworthiness, and sin are not who you are. There’s a beautiful soul beneath all the layers that is the real you, the one that God sees that is precious and loved and worthy. Know that these things are not who you are. Know that the God of the universe wants to intimately know the beautiful soul hidden beneath the sin, but He will not make you move. Respond to Him. In Christ’s death, the layers are ripped away. In Christ’s resurrection, the precious soul is revealed as a son or daughter of God, stands up, and walks, free, in Christ.
That. is the very basics of Christianity. This book coaches you into getting to that place of vulnerability. It takes you only to the edge of the cliff. But oh–that’s just the beginning when you factor in God’s Love for you instead of just your own imperfect, poor sort of love for yourself. It is a beautiful miracle, an indescribable awakening. It’s difficult to allow ourselves to become that vulnerable, but vulnerable we must be. Sometimes it’s not overnight. Sometimes it’s a slow peeling away of layer after layer. Layer 1 might be letting go of placing your identity in education or career, like I did. Layer 2 might be unforgiveness that needs to be let go. Layer 3 might be an addiction. Be vulnerable. And then grit your teeth and hold still as the layers are stripped away. It’s not a terrible thing. It’s just necessary. At the end of the layers is childlike vulnerability and belief that God really is who He says He is, and you really are who He says you are. Free. And it’s worth the risk of becoming vulnerable. It is far more painful to remain tight as a bud than it is to risk blossoming.
“To dare is to lose one’s footing momentarily. To not dare is to lose oneself.” – Soren Kierkegaard
Ah…I remember now. How it all comes pouring out of me. I’m glad we had this conversation.
