“Many people wonder where they should be and what they should do, when in fact they should be more concerned about how to be.” – Meister Eckhart, as paraphrased by John O’Donohue in “Anam Cara”
I have noticed a curious change.
For five years, I’ve been consumed with choosing the perfect major and getting a degree. It meant everything to me. It was my security. It would have given me worth, confidence, choices—freedom. Part of it was out of fear, the other part was trying to prove my self worth. To myself, I suppose. Or maybe to my mother. Or both. some issues there. For a long time it consumed my thoughts—should I choose something secure, something safe (everybody says I should be an elementary teacher) or something I actually enjoy (philosophy, english, art)? I obsessed over it—it became my identity. I was worth nothing if I didn’t get my degree. “If I could just get the right degree, life will finally begin for me, and I’ll be free to live–independent and happy.” Funny that I thought of a degree as freedom. I was, instead, miserably bound by my desire for it without really realizing it.
I’m not sure when it happened. It has quietly dissipated in the back of my mind, so quietly that I barely noticed it was gone.
I don’t [need] it.
If I never, ever get a degree in anything, it’ll be okay. I don’t have to prove myself to the world, to my family, to myself, or to God. I have actually let it go. Not that I won’t still get a degree someday, but I no longer have a psychologically-driven need for it anymore—I’m free.
I think…I’m starting to gradually believe. That God actually wants my heart, wants to know me, and how I make my living “doesn’t amount to a hill of beans” as they say here in the south. I am impressing nobody. and do not have to.
I’m becoming more concerned with simply living in the precious present [where God is] instead of the fragile future, stepping off the edge of security in faith each and every day. [not that I'm very good at it. but I know it now, and can walk towards it.] It is incredible. The weight of the world is lifted off your shoulders when you finally believe in your heart of hearts that you need only be concerned with how to be.
Sparrow, followed you over here from divine nobodies. Thanks for the quote. It’s right where I’m living-learning its not about what I do or where I am-but about living in obedience and love with Father each day. Even though in my case that doesn’t look very important or impressive on the outside to anyone else. Learning to be a nobody and to be ok with that:) Melanie
Thanks for visiting my blog, Melanie. It’s always nice to know that something I’ve shared has resonated with someone, somewhere!